


Words Unsaid

by KissedByAShadow



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), Shadowhunters (TV) RPF
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Love, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Pain, Unconsciousness, Waiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 08:57:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18312380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KissedByAShadow/pseuds/KissedByAShadow
Summary: You hope the pain here, will overpower the pain there.He can hear Magnus's voice in his head, right from the condescending tone to the look of disappointment he would've sent his way, but it doesn't stop the familiar itch, theacheto let the arrows rip, to let the blood flow.He stays put.-Or, all the thoughts in Alec's head, while he was sitting beside Magnus's bed.[Warning: Contains 3x16 spoilers]





	Words Unsaid

**Author's Note:**

> You're dead, and you know it. That promo has killed us all, there is absolutely no way we're going to survive the episode. 
> 
> Sorry about all the angst! (again)

"Magnus, I- I don't know if you can hear me."

He's whispering, the words scraping his throat as they struggle to move past his lips. He heaves a sigh, the movement weighing down on his shoulders, threatening to bring him to the ground. His voice is rough, his tone hoarse; he hasn't moved once since he got here. 

"But this is my fault." 

It takes him everything he has in him to make the confession, to admit to what he knows is the truth, but he says it anyway. If there's even the slightest chance that Magnus can hear him, he's going to take it. 

"I was selfish." He says, and those three simple words shake him down to his very core as the revelation hits him. He presses his lips together, his teeth gritting as he berates himself over and over again. He wasn't just selfish, he was _foolish_ , foolish enough to believe that Magnus could truly be okay after everything that happened to him, after everything he'd sacrificed to make things right, when it was never his responsibility in the first place. 

"When you first lost your powers, and you said you were okay with it, I-"

He swallows then, shaking his head as squeezes his eyes shut, willing himself to hold it together. 

"I didn't think twice." He finishes, his voice trembling. It's no use, the tears come anyway, and soon, his eyes are wet. He tries for a smile, but it doesn't work, and all he can manage is a watery, half hearted smirk. 

"I guess I was just so happy, that maybe, we could..." He's stuttering and shaking, and the words  _just won't come out_ , no matter how hard he tries. He's laughing at himself - scoffing, almost - at the stupidity of his actions, at his  _audacity_ , to believe that everything was going to be okay, that they were going to find a way to make things work, that he could possibly be enough for Magnus, enough to fill the void the loss of his magic left.

"Grow old together?" He chokes out, like it's some sort of question he can't comprehend. His breath hitches in his throat, yet another sob getting stuck there as jams his fingers together, scraping at the skin there, almost as if he's trying to draw blood. He aches to go out onto the roof, to shoot a dozen arrows until his fingers bleed, until he scrapes the skin raw. But he can't- he can't leave Magnus's side, not right now, not when he's already done it once. 

_You hope the pain here, will overpower the pain there._ He can hear Magnus's voice in his head, right from the condescending tone to the look of disappointment he would've sent his way, but it doesn't stop the familiar itch, the  _ache_ to let the arrows rip, to let the blood flow. 

He stays put. 

He swallows down on the sob, his contorting as his mask slips, his facade fading away for a second, just a mere second. He sniffles, pulling the different parts of himself that threaten to fall apart together and swallowing thickly before continuing.

"I guess, I just didn't realize-" He pauses, unable to continue, but he forces himself to anyway. He needs Magnus to hear this. 

"-deep down, how much you were suffering." He breathes out, worn out and raw, and it  _hurts_ goddamnit, it hurts to see Magnus like this, motionless, unconscious. This isn't the man he knows, this isn't the warlock he fell in love with. His boyfriend is always buzzing with electric energy, larger than life itself. The man in front of him is... _fragile._

What pains him most is the knowledge that  _this_ , is Magnus. This is what Magnus Bane has been reduced to, and it's all his fault. 

He stares at Magnus then, his soul ripped out of his chest, and he feels empty, completely empty, except for the broken floodgate of tears that threatens to burst open at any second. He jerks his knee up and now, clenching his fists tight until his fingers dig into his skin, until his knuckles turn white, until he finally manages to bring himself under control.

"Magnus, I love you." He chokes out, because he's all out of words. There's nothing left for him to say, nothing he can think of that can make this right. 

Not that he was ever going to be able to make things right in the first place.

He shakes his head, the movement almost imperceptible, because he doesn't want to give up, doesn't want this to be goodbye, but he doesn't know if Magnus is going to make it through this, doesn't know if either of them are going to survive. 

"More than anyone in the world, and-" He freezes again, his voice shaking, trembling with every syllable, as he reaches for Magnus's hand, grasping it between two of his own. The movement feels wrong; Magnus's hand is no longer warm - instead, it feels cold and limp, nothing like what he's used to. Holding hands with Magnus has always sent a flurry of butterflies through his stomach, has always elicited a smile from him, no matter what. 

Now, all he feels is dread. 

"I-I'm so sorry." He says, because he can't think of anything to say but the truth, can't think of anything to do except wait, and hope that they'll make it out of this okay. His thoughts are running wild in his head, swirling around in a chaotic pandemonium, and it takes everything he has in him to just focus on Magnus, to break through the tumultuous disarray in his head. 

_I'm sorry, Magnus. Please wake up._

 

**Author's Note:**

> I will admit, this is a bit rocky, but you'll have to excuse me. That promo has messed me up entirely, y'all know how it feels. I'm sorry if this didn't quite hit the nail on the head, but I assure you, if I manage to find time, I will modify this. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, I wish you all the tissues in the world. 
> 
> Sincerely,  
> \- [ @shadowhunt_101 ](https://twitter.com/shadowhunt_101)


End file.
